


Guess who's coming to lunch

by Beckily



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Earth, Hugs, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-12 23:49:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13558179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beckily/pseuds/Beckily
Summary: What if instead of going to Nightmare's Relm, they came to my back yard?--So this started from a daydream I had while making biscuits and gravy. And then I asked my kids what they'd do if this thing happened, and my daughter said, "Share my cheese!"So. Yup. I wrote it down. You're welcome.





	Guess who's coming to lunch

My life? It's not very exciting. I have three small children 9 months, 4, and 6. I stay home with them, I homeschool them, I cook, and I clean. 

Okay, and I'm a bit of a Dragon Age fanfiction addict. We all have our thing! My mom read trashy romance novels. Most fic is equal to or better than Nora Roberts. 

Today finds the kids and I in the kitchen doing a math lesson in the form of baking. Sometimes math is biscuits and gravy because life is a beautiful thing. Sometimes math is a double batch, because bulk cooking is a good skill to pass on. Adding fractions and all that.

I have the baby in a carrier on my back and the big kids have just finished setting the table after helping me clean up, the biscuit timer goes off, and out the sliding glass door the backyard fills with green light and people start falling into the yard. Then the light vanishes.

You know. Standard lunch.

We all freeze and stare into the backyard, before I pull myself together. “OUT!! Go.. to the living room. Don't talk.”

The kids are more hesitant than they should be. I smack the timer to make it stop and yell, “OUT!!!”

Then they run. Ah, children. Mothers are apparently the scariest thing. 

The people have gotten up and are looking around, confused. They're armed with swords and knives. And look like they're from Dragon Age.

I blink. Okay. “James?”

“What?”

“Did you see the big light and the people?”

“Yes!”

“Oh, good. Thank you.” 

I take the biscuits out of the oven and turn it off.

I see Solas, Cassandra, and Varric for sure. I'm guessing the others are Hawke, Alistair, and Inquisitor Lavellan.

In my backyard. On Earth. 

“Kids! Get clothes on! Quickly, please.”

I hear them run to the bedroom.

I've been noticed from the backyard. They're staring in at me as I stare out at them. I laugh and wave. They all frown at me.

I raise my hands and walk towards the door. When I'm in front of it, I turn to show them that I've got a baby on my back, and I mime them putting away their weapons. 

They discuss this, but then start putting things away. Varric first, I notice.

I keep the door shut. The kids run in wearing their normal mismatched clothes.

“Who are they? Are they hungry? I'll share my cheese!” Sophia announces and runs to get string cheese.

“Wait! No cheese. Just wait.”

I pull open the door. “Hello! Um. Lunch just finished cooking, there's enough for everyone to have a bit?”

They blink at me a bit. Varric chuckles. “Honestly, food sounds wonderful. Thank you.”

I nod. “Um. Could.. it's just me and the kids. This isn't Thedas. Solas? Can you do magic here?”

He frowns at my use of his name, but calls up a bit of ice.

“Good. You have at least two mages. Mages will always win in a fight against one woman and three small children. Could you please leave any unsheathed blades outside and away from my kids? Swords aren't a thing here, they don't know safety protocols.”

More hesitation, but Hawke took his glaive off and propped it against the side of the house and Cassandra and Alistair did the same with their swords and shields. The Inquisitor added a large set of wicked looking daggers from holsters on his back.

“Thank you. I'm Raia. These are James, Sophia, and the baby is Sebastien. The house is a mess, but you're welcome. Um. You can take off muddy clothes in here, but maybe shoes outside?”

They look around, and go to the covered area of the patio to start talking off bloody armor and boots. I breathe a sigh of relief. 

I pile biscuits in several bowls and have the kids start setting the larger table. I carry the gravy pan to the table and add a ladle. Then I look the group and get our a big skillet, and add all the eggs. Luckily we had a dozen.

The fighters start coming into the house, looking around curiously. I push the eggs off the burner.

“You'll want to wash. I'll show you to the bathrooms.”

We go to the first bathroom. “The taps have a hold and cold water. Combine them to your pleasure. The hot is really hot, don't do just hot. Toilets take pee and poop. You can wipe with this paper here, then wash your hands with this soap. Here is the drying towel. Anyone my size or smaller can borrow clothes from me, and you are all welcome to bathe if you'd like. There's not enough hot water right away for everyone to have long showers. Alistair and Hawke, you can figure out some extra clothes from sheets or something, my husband is smaller than me.”

I point them to the second bathroom and they all wash their hands and faces while I finish the eggs, joining us back in the living room to eat.

“Welcome back! We have biscuits, gravy, jelly, butter, eggs, bacon, oranges, pears. Our lunch plan was to split open the biscuits and smother them in gravy. Oh! This is salt, pepper, and dry red pepper. I have hot water for tea, or there's clean water to drink cold. Um. Oh, hey! There's beer of some sort in the garage. It'll be cold. Who wants beer?” Hands went up. “Varric, help me?”

He raises his eyebrow at me once again knowing a name that they hadn't told me, but follows me to the garage. We talk through the written descriptions of the different options and bring in an assortment. There are porters, some ciders, a few ales, some Guinness.

I set Sebastien up in his highchair with some eggs, and helped get the kids food, before getting my own. Everyone is serving themselves, seeming to like what they tasted.

“OH!” They look at me as I dash back into the kitchen. I pull out the package of brie. “Alistair! Cheese! Do you want it cold, or shall I bake it? It's a soft cheese.”

He laughs. “Either is fine with me, just bring it cold! Less work for you. It's cheese, it will always be good.”

I put the brie on a plate and get a knife for it and then dramatically place it near him. He cuts himself a slice and then moans with happiness.

“You know, it's a common here to make a hot sandwich with ham, brie, and apple. I bet you could do something similar with a biscuit, pear, brie, and some bacon.”

The brie went quickly, divided among so many, as did all the food. The conversation is good, though dominated by my children questioning everyone, and also telling everyone everything that enters their heads 

“So! Who here knew that Thedas was connected to a whole different world?”

Varric snickers at my bluntness, but everyone looks to Solas. 

He wipes his mouth with a napkin. “It is not common knowledge, but I have heard.. whispers about it in my deepest journeys in the Fade.”

I grin. “I just bet.”

Cassandra can't hold back and longer. “How do you know us?”

I take my last bite, nodding. “I will show you. Know that none of this makes any sense to me, either. Anyone need anything else to eat, or the bathroom?”

Last minute bites, drinks, and bodily needs are met while I clean up the baby and then we settle into the living room.

I turn on the protector and start up the PlayStation. “This is a projector. It's projecting light into the wall. I do not know the complete mechanics, but it's awesome. This is called a game. It's entertainment. A story you can interact with. This one is the third in the series, called Dragon Age Inquisition. The first game covered the last Blight, so we got to know Alistair and his companions, the second covered Hawke’s story from Ostagar to Cassandra interrogating Varric. The third starts at the Conclave.”

They're oddly silent.

I start a new game. When we get to character creation I look to the Inquisitor. “Shall we make you, or would you like to pass the torch for a bit?”

He looks startled and then laughs. “What are the options?”

“Male, female, any race, mage, rogue, warrior?”

He grins. “Female qunari mage.”

There's amusement all around. “Josephine would still manage to spin it.” 

“Absolutely.”

Everyone is completely weirded out by the game. The strange accuracy of the events and words, the weird cartoon versions of themselves. The dialogue options.

“This is very strange. It happened this way, but not.. not quite.” Cassandra was crossing her arms.

“Yes. Like, the second game was Hawke's story as told by Varric, so it wasn't perfectly accurate. There also were a lot of options, so there way the Hawke here actually did things isn't likely the way I played it. Guaranteed, really, since I played it several times and my Hawke was generally female.

Hawke cracked up. “Really? Was my beard as good?”

“You were a lovely redhead. You romanced Isabela, Fenris, and Anders in various playthroughs, though I really wanted you with Varric. He wasn't an option, sadly. And again not an option for the Inquisitor. I pouted a lot.”

“Wait, whoa whoa whoa!! Romanced? You got to? And with Anders? What?”

“And me? You use me to romance people?” The Inquisitor was blushing.

“Ahh. Yeah. So.” I look at Alistair and he groaned.

“Really?”

“Afraid so. I've seen all of you naked, really. Though without genitals! As you saw with the…. Let me show you.”

And I stripped down Adaar in the equipment screen.

“So the Warden can romance Alistair, Morrigan, Zevran, and Leliana depending on gender. Leliana and Zevran will go for either gender, but Alistair and Morrigan will not.”

“You romanced Leliana?” Cassandra sounds.. horrified but kind of amused.

“I didn't, no. My husband did, though. And Hawke can choose between Anders, Merrill, Fenris, Isabella, and apparently a chaste relationship with Sebastian, but I didn't pay the extra money for his questline, so I never had him in the game.”

“I… really? He costs extra?”

“Yes. So does a dog. So you didn't get a dog. Sorry.”

“And me?”

I cough. “Well, as a male, you could romance Bull, Josephine, Dorian, or.. um. Cassandra.” Cassandra makes a very strange noise. “Really, Bull and Josephine will take any gender, Sera any female (but special enthusiasm for a female qunari), Cullen a female elf or human, Blackwall any female, and… Solas will go for a female elf.’

Solas suddenly focuses on me. “I'll what?”

“Um. Yup. It's.. actually a really nice romance, until you end things and break her heart.”

“Aw, Chuckles, how could you!”

Solas glares at Varric, but looks uncomfortable.

“What do the romances look like?”

“They vary. There's.. well, there will be a first kiss that's sweet, and then generally a repeatable kiss that plays the same scene over as many times as you ask. With some there's a sex scene, though again, no genitals.”

“Who…?”

“Do you really want to know, Seeker?”

“...No, I suppose not.”

“There's not always sex. Solas and Josephine don't have a sex scene.”

Solas looks relieved.

Cassandra starts to speak. “Anyway!” I interrupt. “Yes. I've seen.. everyone but Varric at least making out with someone. Yes, it's weird. It's worst for Alistair, honestly, as I got to participate in his first time. But I gave him cheese, so he knows I love him. I love all of you. Let's get past the weirdness and focus on the weirdness.”

“Yes. How is this possible?” Lavellan is still blushing.

“Good question, Inquisitor. Chuckles?”

“I do not know. It should not be possible. This makes no sense. If this world is following ours, it should at least better reflect what happened.”

“This game? It plays out until more than two years from when you guys are now. It shows a possible future. So it's not just a possible past or present. If that was all, I would just know you are likely at Adamant right now, but I wouldn't know further. Except further varies, so I can't be sure about it.”

“You must tell us!”

“Nope. No way. I've said too much already. It's dangerous. I just wanted to to know why I knew things.”

“She's correct. We cannot know more. We should not be here.”

“You shouldn't be. You should have fallen into the Fade, into the Nightmare's realm. Although, here I'll cheat. You pass the demon in a terrible form, exhausted, out of potions. But he gets between Hawke, Alistair, and the Inquisitor and the rest of you. You three get out. You three are stuck. Hawke and Alistair volunteer to stay behind, to distract the Nightmare allowing the other two to escape. The Inquisitor picks which one stays. Two more leave, one does not.”

Silence.

“So much of that is chance and circumstance. For instance, I've never had to choose between you two. I usually make Alistair King. The one time I didn't, I was a male Cousland and married Anora to become King myself. I didn't think killing my future wife's dad in front of her was a good start, so I didn't. And Alistair was furious, and left. Forever. He became a drunk in Kirkwall, he's there in the second game of you do that.”

“Really?” Alistair frowns.

“Yeah. If you let Loghain live, it's him here, not you. Which honestly makes the decision pretty easy for me, I don't mind him dying. I usually kill him in the Landsmeet after all.”

“Who did you pick?” Lavellan asks.

“I usually choose Stroud. I don't know much about him except he's an older Warden who comes with you if you don't have Alistair or Loghain as an active Warden.”

“Usually.” Hawke says quietly.

“Yes, well. I was so hurried the first time. I chose you because I was you. It felt like I was getting to be you, be the best one more time.” Varric choked. “Exactly. Varric's reaction, his utter sadness… I could never do it again, after that. So it was always Stroud. But Alistair? Nope. You guys need to avoid the choice, because it's horrible and I hate it. You just need a distraction. Or to be slightly faster to avoid the choosing at all.”

“If we can even get there.” Solas interjects.

“Yes, that.”

\--

Solas, Hawke, and Lavellan went outside to try to figure out a way back. Cassandra got the first shower, then Varric, Alistair, Lavellan, Hawke, and Solas. I don't wear pants, so while I washed their clothes, they were all wearing one of my skirts. Lavellan, Solas, and Cassandra were the only ones who could fit in one of my shirts. 

I did not mind the views presented. 

Varric was telling the kids stories when Solas came back inside. “We have found a way to get back. We should get ready.”

Their clothes were clean and dry, so they all redressed. I gave big hugs to Alistair, Varric, Hawke, and Lavellan and they returned them easily. Then I turned to Solas. He looked amused. He gave me a hug, too. It was a good one.

“Please have mercy on them.” I couldn't help myself from whispering in his ear. He froze and sighed. 

“I want to.”

“Then do.”

“We must go.”

And they did.

\--

When my husband came home from work, he was very confused.


End file.
